Basically, I have a feeling like I'm standing in front of a task that's simply beyond me. Now, I know God promissed I would not be tested more than I can bear and that He has my best in mind. But it looks like one of the "Moses situations" (see blog entry "Keep Talking To God"), where I want to turn around and run, but I really should take my shoes off, get comfortable and talk to God.
I should tell Him about my fears, doubts and insecurities. I know I should tell Him, because as I'm typing these words, I'm realizing it needs to be a confession. It really looks completelly different in my head.
Sometimes I feel like I could fight an army,
with just me and you and there's no-one could harm me.
Oh, but sometimes I can be a little shy,
it's then I need to know that you are there, that's why --- I'm singing
Be with me, Lord - when I'm down, lonely and tired,
Be with me, be my only God.
I know you said that I would not be tested
more than I can bear and that you have my best in mind,
with everything that ever comes my way
I know you're in control, so hear me as I pray, ---
Be with me, Lord...
As much as this song was SO written for me, I'm finding a bad seed of disbelief in my heart. And here is my confession; Im down, lonely and tired, there are things I need to do anyway, and I don't believe God would be with me.
So since it is a "Moses situation", I will look for the man himself, and one of his later "humble" exchanges with God.
12 Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”
14 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
15 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”
17 And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”
18 Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”
19 And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 20 But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”
21 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”
Ex 33:12-23
Can you believe this guy?!
First he declares that it's not very obvious who is supposed to go with him. Although God said He would send Aaron, and He did.
Then, Moses questions God's favor (v.13).
God: You want me to go with you personally??
And Moses stands his ground. Either they would walk in God's presence, or not at all. And he asks for recognition among the nations (v.16).
God: Alright, I will do that too.
And this one just blows my mind. Now show me your glory.
Let me take a minute here to reflect on this situation in my life. I can imagine countless disciples, who, when challenged in this way, - now confess your sins; now start coming to church; now go and talk to your brother; now show me you love me; now repent from disbelief and lukewarmness - would estimate the words too strong, unloving, condescending or even harsh.
God: You can see the back of my glory if you stand on the rock I pointed out.
I am desperate to know what was this bond between Moses and God that they could have a conversation like this. But I don't want Moses' relationhip. I want my own.
I want to have my own negotiations with the Almighty. I want to face my enemies and KNOW that God is with me. Up-close and personal, the creator himself.
Now help me, Lord, to share what I've been given,
help me make the difference with the life I'm living,
as I show my neighbor where true treasure's stored,
help me know you promised you'd be with me, Lord...
I need to pray. A lot. There are things to be done and said. Difficult things. Maybe it's not that big of a deal as it seems to me. But it will be done in God's presence, or not at all.
- Do you have a relationship with God in which you can demand to see His glory, and He takes you seriously?
- In which situations do you need to see Him?
- Would it be encouraging enough to see God's back?
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