Seek First - Seek Always

Alright, so my 40 days of Sermon on the mount are finished. And it wasn't a daily thing and from technical angle, I failed. Some may say that I also failed from the spiritual perspective. I didn't read every day and as the days went by, I also read less often. At many points I also failed to seek the Kingdom and righteousness first, so life threw me out of my groove a couple of times.

But knowing God, my challenge is a success. He saw me make all my mistakes, actually one mistake over and over: not seeking Him first. - And He also saw how I kept coming back, trying to do better. Of course, it was in vain, because it was on my own strength and it's difficult to stop the car that's rolling already halfway down the hill. But it finally crashed - it's not even a big mess! - and I have a day off to take two steps back and analyze the situation.

Had I stuck with it, reading every day from the chapters 5, 6 and 7 in Matthew's gospel, ... wow, that would have been great! Admit it, it was a fantastic idea! The sermon is powerful!
But let's see, the wobble in my focus started after I got engaged. ...Hmm...

Here is what I really believe about putting God first.
It has to become a habit is boring. Or normal, if your life is never boring. OK, normal is also difficult to define. My friend once said that one should get the driver's license before it is needed; when you need it it's already too late. It's the same with relationship with God. We need to build the "God first" life when there is no other things that could compete - career, romantic relationship, trip, something shiny, whatever you consider big and cool. You know that one thing that creeps in over and over, "...If I only had that... then I would...". SO far from God's plan. He wants us to be truly, deeply, madly in love and happy with Him, so much that everything else is details. He wants our happiness to depend on His presence, not His blessings. Can you even imagine that kind of life? Or are you afraid that this perpetual joy would water out the cool things that happen?

We rely too much on the desert. Somewhere in the back of our mind is the concept that God would bring us into the desert to have our attention on Him. And He will. But that is a broken car that needs servicing and maybe a replacement. God wants us to prevent the car from ever crashing - in other words, He doesn't want us to find ourselves in the desert time and time again. He wants us to live in the spiritual oasis, nurtured by His love.

I truly believe there is a way to live in full awareness of God's presence. In the bliss of knowing that all is done, that the game knows how to play itself, that God has ALREADY PROVIDED. Can you imagine that peace? Are you afraid that this kind of life would be boring?

To prove that this is not just my wishful thinking:

From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ²⁸ ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.

Acts 17:26-28

God wants us to find Him. He really wants to be with us. He lets life happen to the good, the bad and the ugly, and we can face it in the desert, or, perhaps, in an oasis. God Himself has given us this choice.

Seek First 40, Day 21

It all worked out well with my boss. It seems that I got more upset than was necessary. Bah, I took it personally.

Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? (Mt 6:25)
And isn't work more than receiving acknowledgement and earning money?

... Is it? Hmm! 

I am half way through my 40 day challenge. So far, I can honestly say I could be more focused on this subject.
I mean, REALLY seeking God. A wonderful young lady that is studying the Bible pointed out that seeking God actually exceeds believing that God exists. True seeking God is actually seeking relationship with Him. 

I am a disciple of Jesus, and therefore my work is just an aspect of my relationship with God. He is my employer, so I work for Him... But He is also my coach, friend, support and father.

If I can focus on THAT, ... wow. It should make my work day different. I work the late shift today, and have a great opportunity to apply this immediately.

Why am I thinking about it only 14 years into my christianity?

 Will keep you posted how it goes.

Peace. 

Seek First 40, Day 16

Apparently I am still failing to shine at work.

Two days ago (immediately after my last post) I had a confusing and discouraging talk with my boss, who described me as tired and "not smiling", and is worried about my health.
First I got so angry I got into intense counter-attack mode, but soon figured out that I can't influence people what to think or say. All I can do is keep my own motivation and performance in check, and after a thorough soul-examination I found no bad conscience; therefore I decided to keep doing my job to the best of my abilities, like I have so far. My experience with the colleagues and customers is in fact exactly the opposite, so it's really difficult to understand what he is trying to tell me.

I also couldn't help but go through a difficult phase of self-blame and looking for my failures and weaknesses. But seriously, I like my job. 

Anyways. This man is my employer, I respect him, and if he thinks I don't do my job well, he can always choose to tell me that and/ or let me go. And I would respect it. I believe he has this authority for a reason, and at the end of things, I work for God. And if I do my job as well as I think, it would be wiser to keep me employed, and encouraged. =)

Meanwhile, I have a wedding to plan - print invitations, choose the menu and have the dress made. I asked God what he thinks about all this. He said:

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
Mt 6:28-32

...and then the punchline in the following verse (vv 33-34)
³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

 

Seek First 40, Day 2, - in retrospect -

Things have been happening and I am a sinner and one of my weaknesses is lack of discipline. Therefore I haven't reported on the cool things that have happened, but I want to do so now, just to praise our faithful heavenly Father.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 
Mt 6:33

On the day 1, I decided to meditate on what that means. I figured it's a fail-safe idea, and it is seeking. I was really happy with my decision, and still am.

On day 2, I was considering how I can be more of a light at work, and shine God's love to my colleagues. I honestly like them - as personalities and as coworkers - and sometimes when I feel left out of private jokes, it hurts me with unexpected depth. The only thing I could come up with, is to be loving and keep being myself (making jokes, talking,...) as if I never got that unpleasant feeling. Every once in a while, this feeling turns out to be wrong anyway. I wasn't completely satisfied with the answer to my situation, but it is difficult to seek God's Kingdom where most people don't believe in Him. So I take this attitude with me every day I go to work. Nothing dramatic happened at work that Friday.
Late afternoon, my boyfriend picked me up for dinner. Let me just share at this point that we have a history of a difficult relationship, which ended in October last year. I am still deeply convinced that it was a good thing. However, after a few months of God's work on our hearts, we started seeing each other again in late February (?... Early March?), and this new relationship had very little in common with the one that had to go. I was happy. I still am.
We had a picnic on a beautiful Spring day, and in this fantastic river side scenery, Stephan asked me to marry him. I said yes.
Now, you may argue that attempting to seek God at work is not at all related to getting engaged, but I believe that God was faithful. He doesn't need me to be perfect. He said in the passage quoted above that if I seek Kingdom, everything else will be given to me. And it is exactly what happened. And there was evening, and there was morning - second day.

Day 4 was a Sunday. It made me think of this years little New Year's Eve celebration with a few of the most extraordinary women I know. At dinner, we shared our "plans" for 2014. Hongshi said she will be baptized. Anna said she will be baptized too. I said I will get married. Now, Hongshi and Anna were studying the Bible, but I had just broken up a relationship. The girls gave me a confused look and asked: "Who will you marry?!" I said, Stephan.
On this specific Sunday in May, after the worship service, we took a ride to Köln, to witness a dear, and very strong woman, a determined student of the Bible, give her heart to Jesus and be baptized. Her name is Anna.
Hongshi is already our sister, since early April.

I have to admit that I had lost the focus on my study target, but I keep going. I have been in a whirl of new feelings and ideas since engagement, and I'm slowly getting my foothold back. With everything there is to do, it will be a very good idea to seek God first.
Last few days I have been thinking about this one:

“The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, ²¹ nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.”
Lk 17:20-21 

Let's see what happens.